If Plato Tweeted…

If Plato Tweeted…
Ed Tasca

Is communicating in short banal bursts impairing our capacity to think, shrinking our vocabularies and attention spans? To illustrate, I have the Tweet thread of Plato’s famous defense of Socrates, The Apologia, where he is calling on his fellow students to help save his beloved teacher from capital punishment on corruption of youth charges. You probably remember this story from the Disney Movie version.

@Platothephilosopher
My dear friend, Prostatitus, our great teacher Socrates could be facing a death sentence. For spurious accusations of impiety.

@Prostatitus
Hang on. I’m looking up spurious.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Tell him to shave his beard and wear a conservative tunic. He’ll be fine.

@Platothephilosopher
And to you Cannibis, he always insisted that true bliss comes from the gods, not herbal remedies. Is that impiety?

@Cannibis
No, but sometimes you have to get your divine bliss where you can. BTW, Prostititus, how was Glucosamine’s party?

@Prostatitus
It was an out-of-control zoo! He had a real zoo. Snakes, boars, monkeys! His theatre friends.
@Platothephilosopher
Why haven’t we heard from Glucosamine on this outrage?

@Cannibis
His server’s out.
@Platothephilosopher
Can we all meet up and talk… Say at The International House of Spanakopita?

@Cannibis
Okay. No. Wait. They don’t have wifi.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Idea! Plea bargn? So they sentence him to Sicily. Yea they break ur knees if you mis a protection payment. But it’s better thn a hemlock cocktail

@Prostatitus
Great idea. And Plato, if he goes, tell him he has to try the baked ziti.

@Platothephilosopher
Fellow Athenians. Socrates believes death could be a great blessing. Another indication of his belief in the immortal.

@Prostatitus
If death is so great, why am I paying my doctor 80 drachmas a week for colonics?

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
I thought it was to help unaddle your brains?

@Prostatitus
Spurious, I found it. Means doubtful for lack of evidence. As in Aristophanes is witty.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Plato, I’m too old for this stress. I’m looking after my own health these days. I’ve totally cut out sodomy.

@Platothephilosopher
What!

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Mistake! It’s this damn autocorrect! I’ve cut out sodium.

@Prostatitus
Plato, I’m on Facebook now! In Farmville. Can’t be there 4 Socrates, but I’m gifting him a cow and a sunburst cloud.

@Platothephilosopher
Prostatitis, go to Linked-In. I’m endorsing you for being an imbecile.
@Prostatitis
And Plato, I’m endorsing you for your little child-care sleep-overs! I know, it’s Platonic. LOL. LOL. Who’re you kidding?
@Platothephilosopher
Socrates is not afraid of death. He will die to make his point to the court.
@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
What’s wrong with just an “objection?” *s*
@Glucosamine
Server’s back! My party was amazing. Except the Dionysian crowd got extremely god-loving and spiritual and puked all over my mosaics.
@Platothephilosopher
Glucosamine, your last email was insulting. It said, Plato, give it a rest! You’re just Dumb. That’s crude and disrespectful.
@Glucosamine
Plato, Dumb is my tweet for “You’re “Dickin’ up my bandwidth.”
@Platothephilosopher
Please excuse my cyber illiteracy.
@Glucosamine
Plato, don’t get me involved in this disrespecting the gods thing. I like all the gods, goddesses, demigods, even those creepy centaur things

@Cannibis
Who’s ur favorite?
@Glucosamine
I like them all… the Fates, the Muses, the Graces, all those naked river nymphs, the Pleides, the Oreads…
@Platothephilosopher
Glucosamine, calm down! Nobody’s recording this.

@ Glucosamine
You can bet your ass… the government is. I like the olive grove nymphs, nymphs of the walnut trees, the Alseides. Who’d I leave out?
@Cannibis
The Meliai. Nymphs of the ash trees.
@Glucosamine
We have nymphs in our ash trees?
@Cannibis
We’re Greek. We have nymphs everywhere!
@Prostatitus
Except in my bedroom!
@Glucosamine
I told you, get a webpage on Athenian Singles! Or, Spartan Singles, if you’re into S&M.
@Platothephilosopher
Socrates says we learn the rules of moral goodness and truth from ALL the immortals.
@Glucosamine
I believe in that too! I just hate trying to read it in pig entrails!

@Glucosamine
BTW Plato, if this is so urgent, why isn’t Socrates tweeting all this stuff himself?

@Prostatitus
He spends all his time correcting Wikipedia. You ask him a question, he asks you a question back. No wonder they want to kill him!

@Platothephilosopher
I don’t understand how you can all abandon the man who made Athens the capital of intellectual inquiry!

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Hold on. The actress playing in Lysistrata is sexting me. OMG. OMG. OMG.

@Cannibis
Post it! Put it up on Icloud.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
No way! I got murder threats when I put up my play–about Atlas grab- assing Hercules at the bathhouse!

@Platothephilosopher
Gentle citizens, the intellectual legacy of Athens is at stake here. What do we have to say for ourselves?

@Glucosamine
Does anybody have the new Angry Birds app? TMB

@Prostatitis
Yeah, I got it — from Herpes. It has a virus.

@Platothephilosopher
News just in! Due to his academic legacy, S could just pay a fine. Court’s considering it if he can get the cash. If we all chip in about

@Glucosamine
Damn, my server’s out again!

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Plato, you only have a 140 characters. Didn’t get your question. Gotta go.

@Prostatitis
Plato, remind him I already gifted him a milk cow and a sunburst cloud.

@Cannibis
Plato, fear not. I can help. I just got an email from Nigeria that I’ve inherited 900 million drachmae if I send my account info!

@Oracle Verizon
Plato, you have run out of air time! Please visit your outlet at Delphi.

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